Σ = Sigmα

Let me tell you a story

When I was still a child, I noticed that I loved playing alone. Though I have my siblings with me which of course I enjoyed spending time with and discovered cost effective recreational ideas from time to time, as if I had a choice... I still felt I needed to recharge in a way, solo. Perhaps, I started to develop my independence in such a young age. Which can be all good so to speak. But also raises the question if I was an introvert... Well, that's way too much brainstorming for a preschooler I suppose but at some point in my life while watching Sesame Street in that good old radioactive tube which you need to hit every now and then just to get that perfect signal feed; reality just bit me... I'm alive! I mean I am conscious and a part of this world. Somehow realizing that Aloysius Snuffleupagus (Snuffy, or best know as Mr. Snuffleupagus) wasn't real and was just an imaginary character as all imaginary characters can get in it's best; godsmacked the bitter truth in my still small developing brain. Oh well, neither was Big Bird real for that matter either but it didn't matter. Anyway, this sudden surge of consciousness that seemingly came from nowhere gave birth to a lot of questions. Not about Sesame Street or how Big Bird finally gets to convince the adults in that made up neighborhood that his friend Snuffy really existed and is not just his invisible friend slash figment of imagination, which was also without saying, subjected daily to his selfish inner monologues. Rather, the questions are focused on this thing called "self" and it's interaction to life and to this small planet we live in, we call Earth.

In that time there was no home internet. Computers were probably confined to a few people in NASA. And the closest information source you can access is a knowledgeable family member, an encyclopedia set or books from your local library. At this point, you can confidently disregard the information coming from your circle of friends in your particular age group since they are probably as clueless as you.

And so my quest for information began. How this journey took form was left to my fate as a little child developing that small spark of wisdom, fuelled by curiosity and parameterized by the resources that I can literally grab with my tiny hands and by true and tested trial and error. Little that I know, I was starting to build my personality like LEGO blocks from all sorts of different sets.

“Boys, be ambitious! Be ambitious not for money or for selfish aggrandizement, not for that evanescent thing which men call fame. Be ambitious for the attainment of all that a man ought to be.”
--
William Smith Clark

Growing Pains

I wasn't really fond of school. I didn't fit well. Mine was a private one for boys and boys only. The religious Catholic type. The school uniform was strict and there was even a guideline on how we should cut our hair. The warden slash drill sergeant of this institution was called the Prefect of Discipline, and was even suppose to be a lay minister of some sort. As far as I can remember, all of them were strict as fuck.
I recall a point in time when I used to cut class. Earned the nickname, "Now You See Him, Now You Don't". I didn't go because I felt no one there understood me... So I thought I can spend my time doing something else. Which seemed to be the correct thing to do way back then, according to my reasoning ability. Of course, this madness had to end. So I returned back to being normal, yuck, I hate the word. Still not really giving a fuck about the rules but just was trying to blend in. Striving to get that delinquent reputation erased somehow... I always asked myself, is all this drama really necessary? I am just a kid who doesn't want to be bullied. Not by anyone. Not by anything nor anywhere.

Moments of Truth

So I've made it to Highschool... Woah... There's a lot of things happening now. This sudden bombardment of changes, physical, physiological, psychological, social and so on and so forth. I can't begin to fathom why. I just know it's happening quick and it's innevitable. But this journey of finding my true self became more daunting. It's officially more of a mission now than ever before! Plus now I have to deal with those creatures called girls.

But these are of a different breed. They're not my siblings. They look funny, in a nice way. Probably fun is more appropriate but I am still trying to wrap my head around all sort of things right now that it really doesn't matter what I think about them. But in that same school, that boys school for boys and only boys—highschool happened and girls seemed to be the focus and rave of almost all of my classmates and friends. They're zero, non-existent in our educational institution. Except for the occasional young cute teacher who seems to be a fresh graduate. But hey, there seems to be an untapped resource in that next school some few kilometers away. It's a private school too but just for girls and girls only... Wow...

The logistics of infiltrating this base was not that hard as it seems. You just need to covertly hitch a ride on one of those nonsuspicious and nonthreatening coed schoolbuses and you can safely make it to that demilitarized zone they call the parking lot.

Well, technically you know where to find them. You theoretically know what to do with them. But you don't know how to get them. Shit! This seems to be a whole new skillset one needs to learn or figure out... We need a role model... Hmmm...

Reverting to this self discovery thing I mentioned earlier. I believe hobbies played an important role for any growing individual. It's a possitive distraction in a sense. In my case, I got hooked on Martial Arts and weight training which indirectly solved a lot of problems for me. I was also playing some serious national level chess. That's the geeky side of me giving my brain a workout. The principles I learned playing that game, in a not so obvious way, helped my problem solving skills. That trial and error methodology was not totally trial and error anymore... Now it's tactical precision in it's infancy.

Fragments of Memory

Welcome to this surrealistic wonderland called College. I'd like to remember it as the corner stone of my higher learning. Where everything made sense and no sense at the same time. It was the first apex turn of that emotional roller coaster ride of life because for the first time, I felt the world had no choice but to recognize me as an adult and take me seriously. My responsibilities increased. And I made decisions more. I was free and independent. It was some kind of wonderful.

On the flip side, there are a lot of things I regret in my college life, but I guess if I haven't made those decisions before, I wouldn't be who and where I am right now.

It was also the time when I lost my father and I had to assume his difficult role. Losing my father was very hard. No one should go through that experience, I believe. It's just not fair. But then again. Life isn't fair and we are all just a minute part of it.

Fast forward

In the shadow of the early passing of my father, I decided to forgo my dreams of becoming a physician and thus shifted my efforts to the field of computer science... At some point, I have managed to build my own company and was able to acquire assets and properties of my own. Some would say that I have reached my peak, kind of early and that I was able to achieve what many dream of at a pace quicker than most.

But achievements go hand in hand with failure so to speak and that everything was not just a walk in the park... It's true that with great power lies great responsibility. Also, the scale of the problems is obviously greater compared to the average person. One might say that it's not a fun place to be, because when the problems rain, it pours, in buckets! I guess complications arise once one's lifestyle changes in such a way that it becomes luxurious but overly complicated, one actually loses the important luxury of having time... The time to enjoy what one has meticulously worked hard for and accumulated. One also loses true friends, gains a lot of enemies and orbiters who pretend to be friends... It's totally a clusterfuck and a disaster waiting to happen.

And so the quest for simplification begins... See the irony? Bear with me here for a minute... It's a perfect example of how insatiable our wants are, and no matter what we gain it is never enough to fill that void we feed inside. So the vicious cycle goes on and on until we can actually find contentment and happiness within ourselves. Then reality bites... These can never really be found externally. We cannot project what we lack, what we want to achieve and, how we feel outside of ourselves... Not to any person or thing.

Back to the future

I found the meaning of success... I'm currently writing it down... Stay tuned... (In Progress)